


Volume Veils Discomfort

by Cj_Quinn72



Series: Failure to Comunicate [2]
Category: Jacksepticeye RPF, Markiplier RPF, Septiplier - Fandom
Genre: ASL, Angst, Anxiety, Bullying, College AU, Cuddle Masturbation, Emotional Cuddles, Friends to Lovers, Guilty Orgasm, Heat Stroke, Jack's in America for school because plot, M/M, Masturbation, Masturbation in Shower, Occationally sad Jack, Protective Bob, Protective Tyler, Protective Wade, Secret Crush, Secrets, Sign Language, Sleepy Cuddles, Stangers to Friends, Stress, communication troubles, mild jealousy, oh dang so much angst, selective Mute Mark, sick mark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-27 07:51:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 11,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9983951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cj_Quinn72/pseuds/Cj_Quinn72
Summary: Part of Azlinne's My Vile Voice. This is Jack's half. Right up until were mix them together in chapters. So. Go read My Vile Voice if you wanna read this. Or... read this and then go read it. But hey one without the other is dumb.Basically I am feeling lazy. So I don't wanna summarize. Enjoy!





	1. Back Story

Jack’s childhood was pretty normal. Big brothers and sisters who looked out for him as much as they could while still being older siblings. But there were always bullies. There always would be. Because there were always people. He was taught to ignore them. 

 

But you can only ignore what people say about you for so long. There was always something, his height, but then he grew. How thin he was, but he was fit. His greying hair, he kept it cut short, and wore a hat. But they alway came back to his voice. It was either ‘too high’ or when he started talking to people outside Ireland it wasn’t Irish enough for them. And…. Well he really couldn’t do anything about either of those. 

 

So he tried to shrug it off, speaking louder even going so far as to yell. He got louder and more talkative. In fact the more assholes said they didn’t like his voice or accent or whatever, the louder and more rambly he got. 

 

His family was amused by it all and he got used to being that loud McLoughlin boy around town. He had friends, he dated, and he was in a band. His life was pretty damn good. He was happy and he was loud enough to block out the voices of doubt and ridicule. At least he pretended that he could block them out.

 

***

 

When he moved to America for school people seemed to be a little more relaxed about what they thought Irish people sounded like, probably because people from the UK so rarely moved to America. But the thing about being in your 20’s with greying hair came back much worse. So he dyed that shit green.

 

Then there was a whole new thing for people to dislike. His  _ name. _ In Ireland it wasn’t unusual, not the spelling or anything. But for some reason Americans took issue with it. He was called “Seen” and “See Ann” And it wouldn’t have bothered him except he couldn’t be loud over people saying his name. And so he stopped introducing himself as  Seán, instead using Jack. 

  
Then he decided to change his major and transferred to a college better suited to his situation. So now he could introduce himself as Jack. Jack the eccentric bouncy bubbly green haired Irishman. People at this college were much calmer and people thought his grey-green hair was cool. They were amused with his volume and yet… He didn’t make any friends. True it was only his first day  but he couldn’t help feeling a bit alone and isolated.


	2. You seem cool

Classes hadn’t officially started yet so his roommate hadn’t moved in yet. He was sitting on his bed playing a game on his phone when he heard the door open. He looked up quickly and- damn. Yeah. This guy was cute. Messy black hair, pretty brown eyes, strong jaw, lightly tanned skin, and he was pretty built too. And he looked as nervous as Jack felt. 

Jack put on a wide friendly smile and offered, “Y ou must be Mark! Hi, I'm Jack good to finally meet you!” At least he hoped this guy was Mark. What if this was just some guy about to ask for directions, or he had the wrong room?

 

After a beat of silence the black haired guy looked down at the whiteboard in his hands and fiddled with it scribbling something. Jack read it with a frown.  _ I'm mute, if I need to say something expect a paper ball. _

 

Oh. He shrugged it off and smiled it wasn’t Mark’s fault he couldn’t talk. “That's alright! It will be like a little indoor snowball fight.” He said after a pause not wanting Mark to think he had a problem with him. He didn’t. Not yet. He didn’t know the guy why would he? So what if he couldn’t talk? He still seemed like an okay dude.

 

Mark gave a small shy smile and nodded writing something else on the board.  _ Ya, that sounds fun. _

 

Jack relaxed at his roommates acceptance. At least he knew Mark wouldn’t say anything about his voice or how his name was pronounced! Not… Not that he used that name anymore. He quickly started to comfort himself by babbling about whatever came to mind, school mostly since he didn’t know what else they had in common, if anything. They conversed for so long Jack found his mind drifting a time or two and he suggested they get some sleep. 

 

Curling up in his blankets he smiled at the wall and sighed. Maybe he wouldn’t feel so lonely now. Mark may not have a voice but he was funny and seemed like a nice dude. And he was here, he hadn’t told Jack he had better things to do than hang out despite not being fully unpacked. He relaxed as the blankets held his body heat and he drifted off thinking how this could have been worse.


	3. Chicken Nugget Dino Dream

Jack woke to his alarm and shuffled around in his bed until he could remember why he was supposed to be awake. He got out of bed and started towards the bathroom before he remembered a horrifying fact. He didn’t have a coffee pot.

 

He frowned at Mark’s empty bed before shaking his head and getting dressed. So Mark had an early start, maybe he was just an early riser? Anyway Mark did live here, so he would see him again sooner or later. That didn’t stop a small stone of loneliness from forming in his chest as he silently got ready for the first day of classes, sans coffee. 

 

***

 

When he got back to the dorm it was noisy from other students fun, but his room was still as silent and empty as when he’d woken. He shook his head and flopped down on his bed to start his reading assignments.

An hour later Mark arrived looking worn out and smiling weakly. Jack greeted him with a smile. He’d noticed Mark seem to relax when he just rambled so he did. Hoping that by spilling every thought in his head he’d soothe his new friend. And Mark seemed to enjoy learning about him so it worked out perfectly. 

 

Eventually he stopped blabbering to work on his reading and let Mark do whatever he was assigned to do. Jack couldn’t stop himself from glancing at Mark every now and then, wondering mundane things. Did he like cheese? What kind of music did he like? How old was he? Did he like coffee as much as Jack did? Was he a cat or a dog person?

 

When they’d both gotten in bed and the lights were out Jack realized he still didn’t have a way to get his coffee and he pinched the bridge of his nose in disappointment. Obviously Mark wasn’t as in love with coffee as Jack, or he’d have a coffee pot. Jack’s roomates had one before so he hadn’t needed one of his own and now he regretted not holding onto that.

 

***

 

He dreamed of riding a chicken nugget dinosaur to class but once he got there it wasn’t class but a friend’s only lunch. Peering through the window he saw all his old friends and he saw Mark laughing with a group of faceless friends. Jack felt a bit numb as it started to rain only directly over his head.  

 

He woke at his alarm and a familiar smell. His eyes popped open and he lurched out of bed following the delicious smell and gurgling sounds to a shiny new coffee pot. Maybe Mark did like coffee after all…. Or maybe it was for him? After all this was a fresh pot that had just started brewing….. And Mark wasn’t here. So was this a gift for him? Shit now what was he going to give Mark in thanks?


	4. Coffee Makes Me Happy

Jack grinned when he heard the door, he’d had a better day thanks to the gift of coffee and he wanted to thank his roommate but the pained and sad look on Mark’s face shocked him. “Mark, are you alright? Do you need anything?”

 

Mark shook his head and face planted on his bed. Jack would have left him be if Mark hadn’t looked so upset. He also knew the bad time that was sleeping like that. He took off Mark’s glasses and covered him with blankets before he sat on the edge of Mark’s bed, rubbing his back and humming ever so quietly. Mark was asleep in moments and Jack was left confused and worried. What had happened today that had made his roommate so…. Disheartened?

 

Jack found himself needing to tidy up since he didn’t really know what to do. And since he was a tad bit ADHD, untested mind you but he had a hunch, working on something made it easier to think. Keeping his hands busy he had managed to think through a great many problems in the past. But this was… He didn’t know what was going on with Mark. And he didn’t know if he should stick his nose in his new friend’s business. His eyes fell on the whiteboard in his hands and he paused. 

 

He’d been meaning to clean it off and set it on Mark’s desk but…. He uncapped the marker and wrote his thanks for the coffee with a smile and a nod. Good. This should do the trick. He set it on Mark’s desk words facing down and went back to his home work. 

 

The next morning there was coffee brewing when he woke and Mark was gone again. He sighed, “When you go to sleep he’s there, but he makes sure he’s gone before you’re up.” He giggled at his own joke before he made himself a mug of coffee and got ready for the day.

 

He had a busy day, his classes were all giving him mountains of homework as quickly as possible he even had a paper to work on already! 

 

And he was working on that paper when Mark came in silently. Jack smiled at him and said hi but he really need to focus otherwise he would be pulled into a conversation with Mark and he’d never get his work done. It wasn’t that he was easily distracted…. Well yeah it was. But it was more so that he really liked talking to Mark. So he and Mark shared a companionable silence as they worked on their studies.


	5. I don't know you but I love you

Days passed quickly as Jack got lost in the routine of school work. He’d wake up drink as much coffee as humanly possible and then he’d go to classes, doing his best to focus on the lessons. Once at home he would either talk to Mark or they’d sit in silence. 

 

Some nights he’d go out and eat something when Mark was working hard so he could have some peace and quiet. Mark never actually outright told him he prefered silence over music. But Jack could tell when he turned on background music that Mark didn’t appreciate it like he did. 

 

Jack was actually a little concerned when he realized he knew next to nothing about Mark. He’d been spilling his guts for almost 2 months and the most he knew about Mark was what he’d figured out or small nuggets Jack had managed to get from him. He was a dog person, he loved video games, he liked coffee but not like Jack did. And he liked to work in silence. Although two weeks after meeting Mark, Jack mentioned he’d seen a cute squirrel on his way home to which Mark had replied, ‘I am it's king. I am king of the squirrels.’ Jack couldn't stop smiling over that. He had Mark in his phone as Squirrel King.

 

But at least Jack had a few people to talk to now. A few people talked to him in class. A couple even asked him to join a study group. He went to it a few times but it always dissolved into just talking about random life things. So he politely told them he’d rather study in his room. Where Mark was. He liked being around Mark, he was calming.

 

Mark spent all his free time either with his friends or with Jack. So seeing him at the diner was startling. But also exciting. He knew one of the guys he was with. Tyler was one of the few people who talked to him. They’d actually figured out they both knew Mark almost five minutes after they started talking. Tyler had mentioned that his friend was mute and Jack had responded that his roommate was mute. And aside from having Mark in common they also liked a few of the same things and talked when they had the chance.

 

"Hey! I didn't think I'd see you here you usually spend friday nights getting all the weekend homework done." Jack said aware he was probably a little louder than necessary but he couldn’t help it. He saw the weird looks the two strangers gave Mark and felt maybe it was about him. He continued quickly to distract himself, "Thanks again for the coffee, I have no idea how you knew I'd need it strong today but man it was appreciated!"

 

Mark nodded looking unsettled. Jack wondered if he’d crossed a line. Shit. He hadn’t even know there were lines to be crossed! Tyler smiled slyly and asked Mark if Jack was his roommate. Which was odd… Why was he pretending he didn’t know that?

 

Things got stranger when Jack noticed the guy who was introduced as Bob order Mark’s food for him. He looked at Mark to see him frozen and looking a bit scared. He gave him a questioning look and was met with Mark looking down at the table quickly before signing something quickly and rushing away from the table.

 

All four of the people remaining at the table frowned. “Where is he going?” Jack asked voice still loud but not as loud as before. Bob glanced at him, giving him a narrow eyed once over before looking at Wade. Tyler cleared his throat, “He said ‘bathroom’ but he’s….”

 

Bob sighed, “He’s running back to his room…. Probably.” Jack blinked blankly, “Ummm… What?” Tyler shook his head, “It’s- He’s…. He does this. Not every time we go out in public but… Enough that we recognize that look.”

 

Jack closed his mouth and looked out the window. What? Why? He looked down at his hands and chewed the inside of his cheek, “Was it me? Should I not have come over here? I didn’t mean to upset him?”

 

Tyler shook his head, “No this is just… He should tell you.” Wade nodded, “If he wants you to know he’ll tell you.”

 

Jack spoke without thinking, “He doesn’t tell me anything.” The following silence made his knee bounce as the three men at the table stared at him. And there it was, that weird look, like they knew something he didn’t and they were judging him for it. 

 

“So what do we do?” He asked pretending he didn’t see the looks. Tyler sighed, “Eat. Bring his food to him when you go back to your room. You gotta let him be when he’s like this. Otherwise you’re talking to a wall.”

 

Jack frowned, but nodded. He ate robotically, wondering what Mark was doing. 

 


	6. That's not what showers are for

When he opened the door the lights were off, but he could hear the shower running. He put Mark’s take out box in the mini fridge and flopped on his bed. But when he realized Mark had been in the shower almost 30 minutes now he got up and hesitantly knocked. What if he was… Occupied? He should leave him alone. But… What if he had slipped and fell? 

 

Mark knocked back on something though, and Jack relaxed. Not dead. Good. Jack sighed heavily and stripped down to get in his pj’s, getting in bed and falling asleep quickly. Tyler had told him Mark didn’t want to talk right now, he’d let him be.

 

But when the water was still running when his alarm went off…. He threw himself out of bed and looked around. Nothing looked touched, so Mark hadn’t gone to bed.

 

He rushed to the door and knocked quickly, "Mark are you still in there from last night? Are you alright do I need to come in? Please I worried about you, knock do something!"

 

There was a very quiet, hard to hear knock and Jack realized Mark could have been knocking for  _ help _ last night and he’d just gone to bed! Fuck! He attacked the door knob and managed to get the door open in time to see Mark keel over. He caught him quickly as Mark took the shower curtain down with him. Jack quickly settle Mark on the floor leaning on the cabinet before he turned off the water, amazed that it was hot. Had it been this hot all night? How the fuck?

 

Jack was not calm. “What the hell were you thinking?!” He asked voice loud and hysterical. He dragged Mark to his feet and helped him to his bed, tucking him in. He did care that his friend was naked, or that he looked like he was trying to talk, something was not good. He took out his phone and called Tyler without a second thought. 

 

“Jack?” Bob answered and then Jack cut him off, “Dude, Mark was in the shower all night he’s not okay.” He handed a glass of water to Mark and made sure he could hold and drink it before pacing.

 

“What? Are you sure he’s been in there since last night?!” Bob sounded like he was on his feet and moving now. Jack glanced at Mark who looked like shit.

 

“Hmmm why don’t I just ask him! Yes! He fell on me when I got in the bathroom. Dude he was in a hot shower all night!” He took a deep breath to keep from shouting, "He looks like a prune, I don't know what I'm supposed to do... does this happened often?"

 

Bob slammed a door on his end of the line, “Not exactly. He showers when he’s stressed but not like this.” Jack chewed on his thumb and turned to check on Mark who looked like he was about to cry. He nearly dropped the phone as he rushed over to the bed. He sat next to Mark and pet his wet hair as he heard Bob talking but didn’t answer. 

 

Mark shoved at his hand with a pointed glassy eyed look. Right. Bob. "Sorry, sorry, I think everything is alright but I'm still kinda scared... Mark doesn't really look like he is well enough to write to me I don't know how we are supposed to communicate at all like this..."

 

Mark looked away. He looked guilty and Jack wasn’t sure if he wanted to scold Mark for making himself sick or cuddle him and tell him everything was okay. Then Mark was dry heaving over the edge of the bed and Jack had to stop himself from panicking.

 

“I gotta go, he’s puking!” He snapped his phone shut knowing Bob was on his way and the door was unlocked. He pulled Mark’s trash bin under him despite the fact that only little bits of bile and water got past his lips. He rubbed Mark’s back until he stopped heaving, then helped him drink more water.

 

He didn’t say anything. What could he say? He got up to get him more water and chewed his lip in thought. He grabbed the white board and sat next to Mark. “Hey, Mark? Mark? Can you write down how you feel?” When Mark looked up at him in confusion he asked again. 

 

"Can you write down how you feel? Maybe I can find out what's wrong on google..." He found he was calmer now that Mark was drinking water and still mobile. If he’d been too weak to hold the glass or lift his head. Then.  _ Then _ he would freak out.

 

Mark wrote his symptoms shakily and Jack quickly googled it. Taking the response with a grain of salt since google wasn’t a doctor. He moved around gathering things to help almost on autopilot. 

 

He paused when Mark made room for him in the bed and patted at it in offering. Jack felt his stomach flip. Was this Mark’s brain melting? Mark hadn’t really touched Jack ever. Not handshakes or hugs or… Now he was asking for cuddles?

 

"You... Want me to lay down with you..?" Mark nodded, smiling and Jack lay down near him while still giving him space.  He wanted to smoosh himself right up to Mark but didn’t for so many reasons. One being Mark’s nudity, but also because Mark’s head was fuzzy so what if when he was better he was mad at Jack for being in his space? And also… He may have had a thing for Mark and okay yeah he was bi but now was not the time for him to share that. Besides being pressed up to Mark’s wet naked body was probably a horrible idea right now.

 

"Okay, I'm here for you... You should try and get some sleep it might help." He spoke without his usual defenses up, and bit his lips when he realized Mark had heard his actual voice. But Mark just smiled sleepily and drifted off. Jack closed his eyes and let out a long breath. He didn’t even know Mark that well, why was he so…. Easy to be around? Why did Jack have such trouble pretending around him? He always ended up being too real. Too honest. He was himself around him and it was a bit scary if he was honest. 


	7. Yep ASL is a thing you dumb butt

Bob had showed up a few minutes later and frowned at Jack. “You’re cuddling him? What the heck man! He’s sick!” Jack touched Mark’s face, “He’s cooler now. And he’s breathing better, steady. Besides he asked me to.” he did feel a little uncomfortable and vulnerable lying there speaking softly. But he couldn’t bring himself to be loud when Mark was resting so close.”

 

And there it was. That look. Bob was thinking he sounded like a little girl. Great. But he didn’t say anything about it. He sighed, “So he’ll be okay? Are you sure he doesn’t need to go the the hospital? He kinda looks like shit.”

 

Jack looked Mark’s sleeping face over, “I think he’ll be okay. I mean the hospital would throw him in an ice bath and probably stress him out. He’d be stressed out by all the people talking to him and poking at him right?”

 

Bob nodded silently. Jack cleared his throat. The silence stretched as Bob walked closer to look at them. Jack glanced from Mark to Bob and held his tongue. He didn’t want to talk when he knew Bob was judging him. Bob just nodded, “Alright. Well you take care of him then.” Jack nodded back.

 

Bob sighed, “Are you gunna stop talking too?” Jack blinked, “What?” His voice was still soft but he was pitching it lower just to feel safer as the large stranger stood over him. Bob shook his head, “I’m gunna go. Since everything is fine.” 

 

And he left quickly, as if avoiding Jack’s questioning look.Not too long later Jack’s phone chimed and he got up to get it and change the towel on Mark’s forehead. Tyler had texted him. ‘ _ Everything okay?’ _ Jack sighed, ‘ _ Yeah. Why did Bob answer your phone?’ _

 

He got a glass of water for himself and emailed his and Mark’s teachers that they were sick. ‘ _ We’re roommates. Also he didn’t want to wake me because reasons. What happened? What’s Mark doing?’ _

 

Jack took a picture of Mark’s sleeping face, mouth hanging open drooling. Tyler sent back a smiling emoji. ‘ _ He stayed in a hot shower probably from when he got back here last night to when I dragged him out of it this morning.’ _

 

Tyler called instead of texting back, “Do you need me to help you out?” Jack shook his head, “I dunno man. Is this… Is he okay? In general? Like…. He made himself sick by staying in the shower. What’s… Is he safe? Like what if he doesn’t have help next time he does something like this? What if he died?” 

 

Tyler didn’t answer instantly, “You’re there. Would you let him die?” Jack paused and relaxed, “No.” there was his soft normal voice again damn it. “No.” he pitched his voice down again. “But I can’t just hope he’ll do something when I’m here. Also I can’t communicate with him…. What if something happens and I can’t get him to write?”

 

“I’ll teach you sign.” Jack blinked, “I…. Did not even think of that.” He sighed, “So… When are you free?”


	8. Hand Dancing

Sunday morning Mark was functional. He got out of bed while Tyler was teaching him sign. Jack was terrible at it. Tyler had him laughing asking funny things while signing them. Mark didn’t seem to care that he was naked as he pat Tyler’s curls in passing to the bathroom. 

 

Tyler and Jack watched the bathroom door close and shared a look. “You didn’t look surprised that he was naked.” Jack stated slowly as the water hissed through the door. Tyler smiled pointedly, “Neither did you.” His hands danced around and Jack found he like watching the dance too much to connect the motions to the words. 

 

“I dragged him out of the shower and into his bed. I got an eyeful without meaning to. How close are you two?”

 

Tyler drew a J near the corner of his mouth and raised an eyebrow as he smirked. He didn’t need to say anything that and the look were clear. “I’m not jealous. Just insanely curious.” 

 

Tyler stared at him for a minute then continued the lesson without answering. 

 

When Mark got out of the shower he sat next to Tyler in his damn towel and Jack had to bite his lips not to point it out as Mark’s hands danced. Jack realized something, he really liked Mark’s hands.

 

"He's doing fine considering this is only the first day of learning. We actually aren't this far in but being immersed in something completely is a better way to learn." Tyler responded, his hands dancing to the words. Jack focused on the words trying to see them in the hands. This was so tricky.

 

Mark stayed to help teach Jack but eventually he got dressed and Tyler went home. Jack practiced the motions in the mirror murmuring to himself. He and Tyler had picked phrases and words that he would for sure need with Mark, but Mark himself had tried to teach Jack small talk. 

 

Obviously he didn’t understand why Jack was learning sign. 

 

He watched his hands move as he murmured.  ‘ _ Happy. Sad. Anxious. Scared. I need to be alone. I need someone here. _ ‘

 

Then he would pause. ‘ _ How are you?’ _

 

But that was more because he’d actually need to ask Mark that sometimes. When he looked to see if Mark was okay he saw him with his headphones on, working on homework.

 

He practiced a few other signs Mark didn’t know he knew and he’d managed to catch from their hands.

 

_ ‘Hello. I know. I don’t know. Please. Yes. No. Thanks. Eat. Drink. Kiss.’ _

 


	9. Bagels

Jack got better at sign over the next three months since now he was forced to sign whenever he talked to Tyler, Bob, Wade, and sometimes Mark. Mark was gentler in his rules. He didn’t mind if Jack forgot to sign. Whereas the other three wouldn’t respond to him if he didn’t try to sign at least part of what he said.

 

He let his life change, and was happier. He spent time with his new friends and learned a new language and talked to Mark as often as he could. He spent more time outside, walking and enjoying the warm air. He adjusted to this new life and found he wasn’t quite as loud with his friends as with other people. 

 

He regretted that he didn’t speak Irish anymore. Because he wanted to look Mark in the eye and tell him he loved him, but not have Mark freakout. And Mark was touchy about emotions. But he also knew talking to Mark in a way he didn’t understand would make him stressed too. 

 

He also had the problem of masturbation. When he had time he made sure to use it because there had been a really nice hug from Mark that had maybe given him a semi hard and he wasn’t proud of that. Mark hadn’t acted like he had any soft feelings for Jack. He treated him the way he treated Tyler. Joking and laughing with him but nothing more than jokes. 

 

And there was that night he’d been achingly hard and Mark was sleeping, snoring just enough to ensure he was really asleep. So he’d jerked off quickly praying Mark didn’t wake up or roll over, he froze when ever Mark’s snores paused. It was a struggle.

 

Other than that loving Mark without saying a word was easy. He may or may not have been googling and practicing more sign than the others knew. He practiced them when no one was around.

 

_ ‘I love you. You are beautiful. I love your hands.’ _

 

He felt bad for not saying anything but at the same time. He need didn’t to tell Mark that he wanted to wake up with him there. Mark had classes and that was a little weird to say to your friend….

 

But he did. He woke up and looked over to see if Mark was there. He felt kinda pathetic when got jealous over Mark focusing on Tyler. He and Tyler seemed pretty close. And he had to wonder. But again. It wasn’t his business. 

 

He spent time with Tyler too and that didn’t mean anything besides he still didn’t know Mark’s orientation. And everyone still thought he was straight.

 

Probably.

 

***

 

Jack jerked awake when he heard the door bang open. Mark was signing something at him and it took his brain a second to catch up. “You… lied?”

 

"What do you mean? What did you lie about?" He asked and watch Mark scribble on the whiteboard probably answering the question he was asking.

 

_ 'I don't have morning classes, I've been leaving early and going to sleep in Bob and Tyler's room.' _

 

Jack blinked sleepily trying to figure this out. But it was sooooo early. The sun was just starting to lighten the sky outside. He was never up this early. "Mark... You woke me up at 6 am to tell me you don't have classes right now?" He asked as his body decided sleep was more important and his eyes started to close without his permission. Sleep dragging at him. Everything was fine. He could sleep now right? 

 

Nope. Mark looked incredibly distressed and ran before Jack could say anything. Jack considered punching himself. 

 

He got out of bed and got dressed with the door open, grabbing his keys and wallet before going where he was sure Mark had gone. His friends room.

 

His mind questioned him about Mark’s behaviour all the way to their door. But when Tyler answered and asked where Mark was he woke up completely. “If he’s not here I don’t know. I thought he was here? He said he sleeps here?” Jack’s hands shook as he signed the words he knew.

 

The others shared a look and Tyler pulled him into the room. Bob explained that Mark had been sleeping here to avoid seeing Jack and Jack felt a bit cold. “Oh. Ummm. Does he not like seeing me?” Tyler rolled his eyes, “No he likes seeing you. But he was jealous of how much attention you draw and didn’t want to be around that. But he changed his mind not too long after he just got caught in the routine until we told him to stop it this morning. What made him run from you?”

 

Jack heaved a sigh, “I was falling asleep while he was trying to explain. I think it made him think I was mad? Or that I didn’t care? I don’t know. He teared up and ran.”

 

“Okay well…. Let’s give him a few minutes and then we’ll spread out and look for him. Okay?” Wade offered nervously shifting from foot to foot.

 

Jack made a face, “You wanna give him a head start to do something that could hurt him?” Tyler looked at him sharply. And Bob looked at him approvingly.

 

Standing and frowning Jack stated, “Let’s do the searching now. While he might still be in the general area. Who knows how far he might run. Or what coping method he’ll try next? I’m going. Even if you guys don’t.”

 

He marched out of the room before anyone could respond and started looking for his best friend.

 

***

 

It had been who even knew how long and Jack hadn’t found his roommate anywhere. His stomach snarled. He wandered into a donut shop and got himself  a bagel and small cup of coffee. He ate the bagel and drank the coffee quickly and then left the shop. He felt kind of numb and wasn’t sure if he was just tired or emotionally hurting but he couldn’t lift his head. 

 

In a daze he shuffled towards the cross walk. It wasn’t a busy road and couldn’t hear any cars or bikes so he didn’t pause or even look. 

 

“JACK!” the voice froze him. He didn’t know it but it sounded urgent he was about to look up when a bus blew past his face ruffling his hair. He looked up to see Mark looking at him with fear and mild horror on his face. 

 

Holy shit. 


	10. Push me to do it

Mark could talk. Or at least…. Yell? Was it even Mark? He couldn’t even get Mark to respond when he asked him questions. So he’d taken his friend’s hand and lead him back to their room. 

 

He texted Tyler that he had Mark and they were both okay. But then he dropped his phone on his desk and crawled into bed, Mark followed him still unresponsive. He cuddled close to Jack and despite his efforts to get Mark to talk the other just sort of looked at him as if to ask him to stop asking.

 

Finally Jack just started to talk. He told Mark about a movie he saw once. He told him about a dog he’d seen while he was looking for Mark and he told him he wasn’t mad.

 

Someone knocked at the door and Jack got up even though he would rather have stayed in Mark’s arms. He wanted to live in Mark’s embrace. It felt like home. 

 

Tyler smiled tightly at Jack and cleared his throat, “I’m here for your lesson.” Jack had stepped out into the hall with Tyler to talk so Mark could rest. Neither of them had gotten much sleep. So Jack was tired and numb as he spoke. 

 

“Dude I almost died.” 

 

Tyler looked alarmed but didn’t say anything allowing Jack to continue.

 

“I was… I was looking for Mark and I felt like crap because I hadn’t had any coffee or food, so I got something to eat and a cup of coffee. And when I went outside I was kinda out of it. Like… My brain was fuzzy and I didn’t look up as I walked towards the road and-” 

 

Jack exhaled sharply eyes stinging, “Tyler, Mark can talk. I mean… He yelled my name from a block away to stop me from walking in front of a bus. But I-” He frowned at Tyler feeling suddenly suspicious, “You know he can talk don’t you.” He felt a bit sick at the idea that maybe this was some kind of Big Secret that he either wasn’t invited to know, or that… Maybe it was a fucking joke. His stomach turned as he waited for Tyler to answer.

 

Eventually Tyler sighed like a balloon deflating, “He has selective mutism. He is physically but not mentally capable of talking. People teased the heck out of him when he was a kid. He went to a speech therapist and things got better until his voice started to break. Some assholes at our school kicked the shit out of him one day and he hasn’t said a word since. So… Yeah. I knew. I also knew that I couldn’t just tell you that when we met. I was hoping he’d tell you himself. I guess he kinda did, huh?”

 

Jack didn’t respond or move for a good bit as he processed that. “Why… Why wouldn’t anyone tell me this? I know it’s not actually my business but… What if I said something that upset him or offended him? What if he never told me? Was I just supposed to be the blind fool? I mean I heard him almost laugh… Once. And later I asked Bob about it but he said only little shit sounds could get out of Mark. Like what does that even mean?”

 

Tyler shook his head, “He panics. So… only the start of a sound can even be audible. He….” He scrubbed his face with his hands. “He thinks he sounds like a monster. He doesn’t seriously it’s not that bad. But we had some pretty bad bullies at our school.”

 

Jack snorted, “I don’t wanna sound rude but I was bullied too. And-”

 

The look Tyler gave him made him pause and frown. 

 

“Don’t. He has struggled with this for years. Don’t you even dare.”

 

Jack wanted to scream with how unfair that was. Instead he spoke louder to cover the shake in his voice, “Okay well either way I kinda feel like shit right now. But I guess he’s got it worse since he shouted in public. It’s not like I almost died or anything.”

 

Tyler paused when he heard the tears in Jack’s voice, “Dude…. I’m not saying you aren’t important. But I love the guy and he’ll always come first.”

 

Nodding slowly Jack leaned on the wall. “I love him too, man. I just… I don’t know what I’m doing.”

 

Tyler looked him over closely, “We’ve been trying to get him to talk for years. And for you he speaks. You must be doing something right.”

 

Jack made a face at Tyler, “Yep. Jump into the jaw of death and he’ll scream in panic. Great plan, Tyler. For sure not traumatic. Let’s teach him the best time to be vocal is in a crisis situation. Awesome.”

 

Tyler frowned back at him, “Well do you have any ideas?”

 

Jack chewed the inside of his cheek and nodded, “Yeah but he has to want to do it. If he doesn’t want to get better or change then he just wont.”

 

Tyler stared at Jack for a long time. Then he shook his head and went back into the room. Mark was making coffee with a emotionless face. Almost like he had resigned himself to something. It worried Jack but Tyler didn’t seem to see it. He hugged Mark as Jack moved to sit on his bed.

 

He heard Tyler well enough from his seat. "You saved someone's life today, and not only that you actually spoke. Mark I know you think that it's bad but really I'm so proud of you, Jack is so thankful and honestly we would love it if maybe you tried getting a few more words out there?"

 

Jack watched Mark move away from Tyler and refuse and felt himself become grumpy. Tyler would just let this go and tell Jack to deal with it. He’d let Mark stay in the stressful silence under the guise of ‘protecting’ him. And Jack couldn’t watch someone have a problem and not try to fix it. Even if neither of them wanted him to fix this he’d still try. "I know you're scared, but you can't keep running away from everything that's hard in your life, and you can't just push people away when they say things you don't want to hear." He stated. Mark couldn’t argue with him on this. He wouldn’t let him. The others may be content being gentle and meek with Mark, but that wasn’t what he needed. Otherwise he’d just hide. Like he had been for who even knew how long.

 

Tyler frowned at him, "Jack don't, It's Mark's choice. He knows what he can handle and what he's not ready to do." He looked ready to punch Jack, but his voice sounded pleading.

 

Jack was very ready to argue this with him, but Mark moved away from them and started writing on his whiteboard meaning he had a lot to say that Jack might not understand. 

 

_ 'No, you're right. You're both right. I stopped trying to get better a long time ago, I hit a point where I thought I was functioning but I'm not, I've just been making you all bend so I didn't have to.' _

 

Jack looked up to say now  _ he _ was proud of Mark. Proud that Mark could see there was a problem and proud that he was willing to try and fix it. Mark cleaned off the board and continued writing so Jack held his tongue, it would be rude to interrupt

 

_ ‘I need a push forward, I can't keep going on like that. Tyler please for me; stop worrying how I'll react, I need a good kick in the ass every now and then.’ _

 

Jack glanced at Tyler and chewed the inside of his cheek. Maybe he wasn’t welcome since he was being blunt…

 

_ 'Jack, I'm really going to need you. If anyone can help me get to where I need to be, I think it's you. Please help me?' _

He felt butterflies in his stomach. Oh. He couldn’t stop his grin. Mark needed him. That shouldn’t feel so good.

 

"I already know a few things that we can work on together. We can start them tomorrow with having you actually try to sleep in? Or at the very least not leave till classes actually start." He instructed. If Mark needed him to be his task manager he would do his best. 


	11. One day, maybe next week

Jack woke up at the time Mark usual left. Fricken 5am. What? He woke up more confused to hear his alarm than usual. But once it was off and he sat up he froze. Mark. He put on his glasses and stared at him. He would have thought he was being creepy if his whole body wasn’t too full of the warm joy that was waking up next to Mark. 

 

Well…. By next to he meant that they were each in their own beds, but the beds were parallel. But he really was insanely happy to see Mark’s relaxed sleeping face. He made a small sound of joy and sat up. Hugging his knees he wrapped his blankets around him and watched Mark lay there peacefully….. Until he remembered how weird it was to do shit like that.

 

Eventually he felt himself start to drift off again and jolted back into consciousness when he realized why he was awake. He got out of bed and got dressed, fumbling until he figured he needed coffee to do anything normal. 

 

Coffee did the trick and soon he was bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to face the day. Not too much longer after that Mark jackknifed into a sitting position and Jack grinned and moved closer to Mark so he could hold out a mug of black coffee to him as he spoke. 

 

"I thought you might still end up waking up early. So I set my own alarm just in case this sort of thing happened." He watched Mark sip the coffee and wince. Mark said nothing and took another sip. Jack held back a laugh, Mark was probably trying to be nice, when he could just tell Jack here and now how he liked his coffee and Jack would happily fix it for him. Silly man.

 

“So I thought of something we could try today?” Jack said quickly before he started laughing and offended Mark. Mark gave him a questioning look. “Well you need help trying to talk right? So let’s talk! We can start out with something easy how about ‘hi?’ Can you say that?”

 

He seriously hope that Mark would be able to do this. He’d have to rethink his whole game plan of he couldn’t even force a sound from his throat. From the look on Mark’s face he might spit out his still beating heart instead of ‘hi’. But he opened his mouth anyway-

 

Only to look like he was choking as an odd sound like the start of a cough left him. His eyes got a distant look and Jack realized Mark was having a quiet frozen panic attack. Fuck! “Mark! Mark, hey! Look at me it’s okay you need to breathe!” He could tell Mark didn’t hear him when unseeing eyes swept over his face and away. Jack was worried when he heard the tell tale wheeze of a closing throat and he caught Mark’s torso as he passed out. He settled him back on the bed and made sure that he could feel air coming and going from his roommate before he gently slapped at Mark’s face.

 

“Come on, wake up! Wake up! Please! Mark, please! Don’t make me give you mouth to mouth or…. Whatever!” 

 

Mark’s eyelids fluttered opened and Jack panicked. Shit, fuck! Had he heard that? Was he mad? Fuck it! Mark was moving into consciousness and breathing. Hell, Mark could kill Jack and he still wouldn’t be upset with the situation.

 

“Mark, I’m so sorry. I—… I should have realized it wasn’t going to be that easy. I just thought maybe.. You’d still feel that push from yesterday and we could work off of that.” He offered but Mark shook his head. Oh no. Watching him write Jack screamed mentally. This was it. Mark was going to tell him he wasn’t willing to be friends or roommates anymore and he’d almost died twice because of how Jack wormed his way into Mark’s life…..

 

_ ‘It’s not your fault, I should have recognized I wasn’t ready.’ _

 

Jack almost threw up with how stressed he felt. That couldn’t be right… Could it? Was he forgiving him?

 

Mark blushed as he looked down at his whiteboard, Jack worried that maybe Mark had heard him. He apologized profusely and argued lightly with Mark over who was to blame for the panic attack.

 

Eventually Jack asked, “What was it that scared you, into reacting like that?” Mark froze and looked both sick and afraid alongside a dollop or silent anger. 

 

_ ‘I hate how I sound.’ _

 

Jack blinked trying to remember how Mark’s voice had sounded when he yelled for Jack. Raspy and painful. Well painful in that it sounded painful to use like he’d screamed his voice raw then gargled rocks. But that could just be disuse….

 

_ ‘It’s terrible, just it’s grotesque and vile. I can’t stand it. I don’t want to hear it. It—…. It scares me. Nothing good comes from it. Of course I panicked wouldn’t you if you had to deal with something that could ruin your life at one false sound.’ _

 

Oh. Well… He sort of understood that. He knew what it felt like to wish he didn’t have the voice he did but he’d never even considered silence as an option. That would give his tormenters power over him and that didn’t seem right. He didn’t speak as he saw the dark look in Mark’s eyes, because this was a bad thing to say right about now.

 

_ ‘Can we try this again later I’d rather just go have a shower and get something to eat now.’ _

 

Jack nodded wondering if there was a way to get Mark to vocalize without thinking about it first. The only thing he could think of was stress or fear. And that was a bad plan.

 

Mark got out of bed and rushed into the bathroom. Jack stared at the blankets where Mark had been until he heard the water turn off. He needed to help Mark. He just had to. One way or another.


	12. A concrete compliment

He thought himself in circles and found himself pacing when Mark exited the bathroom in a towel, “You are in good shape.” Jack observed aloud before realizing what he’d done. Mark blinked rapidly, blushed and signed a meek,  _ ‘thanks’ _ . Jack had fricken imaginary light bulb go off over his head.

 

Two weeks. Two weeks of complementing Mark every time he thought of something to say. And so far it had only made Mark seem mildly uncomfortable. But Jack had a plan and he was going to stick to it. And by plan he meant a very flimsy excuse to say what he wanted to say to Mark…. With in reason.

 

Then out of the blue Mark wrote him a note on the whiteboard which was almost unnecessary now.  _ ‘Your eyes are beautiful.’ _

 

Jack felt that crazy happy warmth fill him. Just like when he’d woken to see Mark was still there for the first time. Was Mark… Flirting with him? No. Judging by the look on his face when Jack smiled and thanked him, he’d been trying to make Jack uncomfortable too. Silly.

 

And then it didn’t stop. Mark started giving him little compliments too. First on the board only. Then he spoke with his beautiful hands. Telling Jack he was cute frequently. Jack was filled to bursting with sunshine. Mark thought he was cute. Mark was  _ telling him _ he was cute! He didn’t know what to do so he didn’t do anything differently. Why should he? This was a dream come true!

 

***

 

Mark was trying to order things for himself nearly every time they were out. It didn’t work. Hell it only made Mark panic and twitch and look like he was going to puke! But he tried and if he tried to back out, Jack or Tyler dragged him back to the counter to try at least once. 

 

So Jack and Tyler sat down to plot and scheme…. And eat pizza. And after Tyler pointed out a movie choice with a mouthful of pizza, Jack had an idea. 

 

“Dude! I’m gunna make a fake menu and have Mark practice ordering by pointing!” 

 

Tyler swallowed his pizza and raised and eyebrow, “How many servers do you know who like that sort of thing? At least have him smile at them.” Jack shrugged, “Sure. But do you think he can do that? I mean…. Eye contact and a pleasant expression are tricky enough, let alone a small gesture that can be considered communication.”

 

Tyler shrugged, “I mean he can do that about as well as he can talk so… I dunno. It’s worth a shot.” 

 

***

Jack handed the menu to Mark with a nervous smile. “Okay so try to practice ordering with this.” 

 

Mark took the menu with a confused look. Jack had written down a bunch of foods Mark liked and even had little corner for drinks so he could really pick what he wanted.

 

"Pretend they are me if it helps. You're comfortable looking and smiling at me so use that to your advantage till you're ready."

 

But the nervous, worried, guilty expression Mark wore worried him. He hid it behind a grin and hoped Mark would try. Also why was he guilty? Was he not actually comfortable looking or smiling at Jack? Or was he guilty because he wouldn’t try…


	13. Mmm dat A+

Mark was handling compliments well now. He faked ordered food from Jack and occasionally Jack actually went out and got it. Which made Mark smile but look a little embarrassed.

 

Things were going well. Tyler commented to Jack on how much easier Mark took complements now and that he was sure it was Jack’s doing. He refused to tell Tyler what he was doing, not because he didn’t want to share the spotlight like Wade teased. But because he was mildly embarrassed that his subtle confessions made Mark happier. 

 

Jack was just getting back to his room after talking to one of his classmates about the band he’d been in as a teen when Mark swooped in, scooped him up, spinning him and then hugging him tightly.

 

Jack laughed, dizzy and amused. He wanted to ask what that was about but his throat was too busy laughing. He always loved contact with Mark. So being twirled around and hugged close basically plastered to his roommate made him blush hotly.

 

Then… Then Mark was laughing too and Jack couldn’t breathe. From what he could tell Mark’s voice was low. Much, much lower than his own. And the sound may not have been smooth, but that was surely disuse. Jack shivered a little and wiggled in Mark’s grasp. He was a little overwhelmed. Mark smelled good and he was warm and Jack wanted to tuck his face against him and just cuddle there. He let his giggling trail off as he nudge Mark’s chin with his shoulder to make him look up. 

 

Mark’s eyes were beautiful especially this close up, and Jack had to focus so he wouldn’t get lost in them. He knew silence on his end made Mark nervous so he just let the words leave his mouth softly. He didn’t need to be any kind of loud with Mark this close. 

 

“You sound beautiful.”

 

Mark looked unsure but there was still a small smile creeping onto his face as he blushed. Jack wanted to bad to kiss him. He wanted to hold Mark’s face in his hands and kiss him until they couldn’t breathe. Instead he sighed and wrapped his arms tighter around Mark’s middle and rested his head on Mark shoulder.

 

He spoke softly about his day and how he really just wanted to play a game and nap. Mark smiled and nodded as he spoke letting Jack cling to him for a while. Then Mark let go of Jack and he was forced to do the same. 

 

Their door was still open and neither of them really liked that, so Jack closed it and settled down to do some homework pausing to ask.

 

“What made you so happy earlier? Couldn’t have been the joy of seeing my skinny ass again.” Mark blushed and held out a paper. There was a note at the top congratulating his work. He didn’t understand exactly. But he figured it had to do with taking a compliment. Mark hadn’t been so good at that before. He’d argue against his own worth until he got too nervous to sign or write.

 

“Awesome, dude! Proud of you!” He offered with a smile. Mark’s face darkened, a shake closer to red than his normal tan.

 

They settled in to do their school work and Jack couldn’t help humming. The happiness from Mark’s hug sitting in his chest like sunshine. He tried to apologize to Mark for being noisy but Mark just smiled and signed,  _ ‘I like it.’ _

 


	14. Secret routine, interrupted

The days past easily a new routine of hugs and closeness, joking and laughing making Jack constantly feel at home with Mark. Well he’d felt at home with him before, but now….

 

Now he had a problem. He could be close to Mark but he wasn’t… He couldn’t kiss him or hold his hand. He could reach out and run his fingers through his hair. He couldn’t attach his mouth to Mark’s throat as his hands slid under his shirt.

 

You know normal things…. 

 

And since he was so close yet so far his dreams decided to take things into his hands. It was even more trouble than before. He’d wake in the middle of the night with his hand in his pants, or grinding against the mattress. So far Mark hadn’t caught him. But he also decided he didn’t really want to be caught. 

 

He started taking showers before bed, jerking off until his dick ached so he wouldn’t dream about his roommate and  _ friend’s _ mouth, hands, and fit body.

 

He wondered one night while in the shower, mind hazy as he came a second time if he should just tell Mark he loved him and wanted to be with him. He threw that idea out before he could really consider it. 

 

Mark didn’t say anything about if he heard Jack or not, and he hoped that meant Mark didn’t hear Jack say Mark’s name in the shower nearly every night. He had tried to not make a sound the first  time and ended up shouting when he came. Mark gave him a confused look when he stepped back into the main room and he’d soft whispered, “I got soap in my eye…. It hurt like a bitch.”

 

But he was glad he got back to their room an hour before Mark so he’d have time to do homework since he lost a little time in the shower.

 

Tonight though, he got back and Mark was sitting on his bed looking guilty and frustrated. Why was he here? Had he skipped class? “Mark?” He asked trying not to be worried. 

 

Mark slowly got up and met Jack where he stood frozen in the doorway. He handed a orange tinted bottle with a white cap to Jack and signed,  _ ‘Help me.’ _

 

Jack stared at the bottle for what he realized was almost too long. He turned it to read the label and felt confused. These were anti-anxiety meds….. From a while ago. It looked they were all still in there too. So if Mark had these why wasn’t he taking them? Why was he suffering? Was he doing this as a form of self harm? When he spoke he was afraid he’d cry so it came out louder than either of them expected.

 

“You… You had these the whole time?” he bit his tongue. Too loud!

 

Mark winced, and signed an apology. Jack considered what the best thing to do was. Should he ask Mark why he wasn’t taking these? Should he scold him for not taking them? Or should he just roll with it?

 

Before he could decide Mark’s face showed he was panicking and then he was moving. He was running again. 

 

No. Fuck that. Not this time.

 

“Mark!” He called as he grabbed him around the waist to hold him back. “Not this time!” He stumbled back and he and Mark crashed to the floor. Somehow Mark ended up over him. He wiggled until they were both on their sides. 

 

“Mark come on! You gotta stop running!” he noticed the look on Mark’s face and frowned, “Oh no one’s home? Great well I can wait. I’ve done it before.” He remembered what he’d done last time Mark couldn’t breathe and held one of Mark’s hands to his own chest, taking slow deep breaths. Tyler had been right the night Mark showered til dawn. When Mark freaked out it was useless talking to him. It was like talking to a wall. A warm, struggling to keep breathing, terrified wall.

 

So he did just that. He talked. Mark said he loved Jack’s voice so he used it as much as he could around Mark despite his own nerves. Softly and in a low smooth tone he hoped was calming. But he could hear the shake in his own words. This was never easy to watch. Panic attacks were bad to have and worse to watch. He couldn’t actually help Mark. He could just cover Mark’s ears and say ‘all better be happy now’. So he said something completely different.  He told Mark what he loved about him. His laugh, his smile, his humor, his hands- God his hands were wonderful. Jack held on of Mark’s hands losely as he spoke. And despite the fact the he was holding it to his chest so Mark would have a breathing pattern to follow he still liked holding his hand.  Eventually he saw Mark’s eyes start to focus, a small frown creased his forehead and Jack let go of his hand.

 

“Mark… Stop trying to run from me. I’m not mad I just… It never clicked that you might actually need meds for this. I’m sorry. I was so close minded I should have thought before I spoke… of course I’ll help you.”

 

Mark stared up at him for a moment before he started to tear up. Jack decided to ignore his own worries and ran his fingers through Mark’s hair slowly, finger nails lightly scraping his scalp. Jack always loved that feeling maybe Mark did too. “Wanna cuddle for a bit? Maybe take one of those pills?”

 

Mark just nodded looking like he was about to fall asleep. Jack got him on his feet quickly and sat him on the edge of his bed while he looked for the pill bottle he’d all but thrown to catch Mark. Once he found them he read the instructions and got a glass of water. 

 

But Mark’s hands were too shaky to hold the glass so Jack steadied himself as he pressed the pill to Mark’s lips and then followed that with the water. He felt a little bad with force feeding Mark pills but the reason he had to was reason enough to do it. 

 

Once that was done he went to the bathroom quick since he hadn’t had the chance yet. Pausing to look himself over in the mirror he sighed, he needed to re-dye his hair…. Or… he could cut it so that the green was gone. He couldn’t encourage Mark to be stronger when he was still hiding behind his defenses.

 

Back in the mainroom Mark was lying under his covers waiting. He looked so tired and it made Jack sigh. There was no way he was getting anything done tonight. He took out his contacts and put Mark’s glasses on his desk.

 

He wanted to change into his pj’s but Mark wasn’t in his so he just slid into the bed next to Mark. The second he was under the covers Mark was cuddled up to him. Jack smiled as Mark instantly fell asleep and closed his own eyes. He fell asleep just as quickly.

 


	15. Wank

Jack woke slowly and was mildly confused with where the clock was before he remembered he was in Mark’s bed. And Mark was spooning him. Oh this was nice. 

 

But the clock still confused him. 3:40am? Why? He moved he legs and froze. Oh those damn dreams. He hadn’t showered before bed and Mark was pressed along his back. Shit. He closed his eyes and tried to think of how to wiggle away without waking Mark. 

 

Mark wiggled closer and held him tighter. 

 

Oh. Well there went that idea. Jack ran through his mind trying to figure out what to do. He had three choices. Ignore his boner. Jerk off and hope Mark didn’t wake up. Or just get up and hope Mark wasn’t crushed that Jack hadn’t stayed.

 

He planned to ignore his problem until it went away or he fell asleep. Mark rubbed his face against the back of Jack’s neck and sighed. Oh fuck.

 

Ignore was no longer an option.

 

Jack closed his eyes and sucked in a few deep breaths before he squirmed trying to break free. Nope.

 

Mark clung more and made a sort of grumbling sound basically in Jack’s ear. Jack’s breath caught. Mark’s voice, in the little bits he heard, was so fucking nice. He’d been accused of liking sound a bit too much by his exes. But now this was different. This was Mark. And he could feel his voice rumble in the chest pressed to his back. 

 

Okay. 

 

He felt horrible and creepy doing this, but he didn’t know what else to do. He unbuttoned his jeans and slipped his hand into his pants. Once he had his dick in his hand he realized he should check if he would be too loud. 

 

“Psst. Mark… Hey! HEY!” he wasn’t any louder than usual in his test but when Mark sighed and didn’t react Jack realized he’d tried to wake Mark up….. While holding his dick. Wow dumbass, good job.

 

He relaxed since squirming and yelling hadn’t woken Mark. He started out slow trying to keep his breathing in line with Mark’s but then he turned his head to look at Mark as groaned when he realized how close Mark’s face was. He shared Mark’s air, close enough to kiss him for a moment before he closed his eyes and let his mind create a fantasy.

 

Soon enough he was on the edge, shaking and whimpering as he bit the pillow under his head and rocked into his fist. He glanced over his shoulder at Mark, to find his eyes half open. The guilt and fear that hit him pushed him over the edge and he moaned Mark’s name lowly.

 

After a breath he stared in horror at the wall across from them. “Mark I’m so sorry. I- I couldn’t- I mean I….” Mark’s light snore froze him.

 

Mark wasn’t awake. He’d opened his eyes in his sleep. A creepy thing that people do. But no where near as creepy as what Jack just did. He felt shame settle in his gut and he whipped his hand on the inside of his underwear and buttoned his pants.

 

He wasn’t sure he could ever tell Mark about this. Would Mark be disgusted or…. No he just couldn’t tell him.

 

Mark let go of him and flopped onto his back.

 

Jack sat up slowly and took a deep breath, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

 


	16. Guilty promises that no one hears

It only took a shower and a long look in the mirror then Jack got back in bed next to Mark. He slept deeply and didn’t dream.

 

When he woke up Mark was in the shower and coffee was brewing. He lay still wondering how this would go.

 

It didn’t really change anything though. Mark didn’t really act any different he took his pills when Jack handed them to him and went to classes when it was time to. But Jack was different. He hadn’t touched himself since Mark held him. Somehow jerking of in his friend’s arms while they slept had made him feel dirty. Mark didn’t even like Jack like that. He was just Mark’s friend. 

 

It kinda sucked. But he loved him enough to realize he could live this way. If it meant being close to Mark. Not in the creepy ‘I wanna jerk off while you sleep’ meaning of close. But the ‘hugs and spending time together’ way.

 

So he settled in for a long road of showers before bed and platonic cuddles that made him wake up hot and horney. 

 

After all, he’d promised Mark he’d be there for him. So he would be. He loved him. And Mark loved him, but the same way he loved all his friends. He could do this. He could be friends with Mark and ignore his dick forever. Right? Right! 

 

For Mark he’d speak softly in front of a crowd, show of his greying hair and be a skinny fake Irishman with a weird name. He’d drop the defenses he had and be strong just to protect Mark. He’d lead by example. But Mark didn’t even know Jack did any of those things. Did he? If he did he for sure didn’t know why. 

 

For Mark he’d be honest and strong.

  
  



End file.
